The Emotionally Unavailable and the Perimenopausal

In the Baltimore Examiner, there's a column written called "Single in the City."

There's a guy who writes it named Dan Collins, and some female named Joan Something-or-other joins him, and they write about topics of importance to singletons.

Dan's little bio at the end of the column lists him as a "terminally single 40-something." Yeah, no joke.

Back when the first "Single" column was published, he was the sole writer. I could tell by about the third paragraph (and he wasn't listed as "terminally single", back then, either), that he was indeed the dreaded Emotionally Unavailable, or as I call it, EU.

How could I tell? His total lack of realism in what he was looking for in a mate. Fantasy is a happy, happy thing, and it's something that we all engage in, some of us more than others, but if you want a real-life partner, you've got to have a real-life attitude. He doesn't.

If only I'd known the phrase and its dreaded warning signs lo these many years.

I'd gone back into psychotherapy last May to figure out what I was doing wrong when it came to men. And my very first session, my therapist dropped the phrase "emotionally unavailable" on me. It was like she was Annie Sullivan to my Helen Keller. Once I did lots and lots and lots of research, I realized that yes, time after time, I was dealing with the EU in different forms, all male.

Once I began to put the pieces together, I was both fascinated and repulsed. How could I have been so stupid all this time? I kept trying and trying to make that proverbial silk purse out of a sow's ear, or in most cases, the sow's asshole, and of course, it didn't work. Why not? It all harkened back to the dreaded childhood issues, and realizing that both my parents were indeed emotionally unavailable themselves. And I did a fine job of making myself frazzled and wondering what was wrong with me. What was wrong with me was that I was trying to do the impossible. And I kept feeding into it, and the more I invested myself, the more I felt I needed to invest, so as not to prove myself wrong from the beginning. And of course, it had been doomed to failure from the giddy-up, even before, so how was I supposed to make something work that was bound for failure. I could have planned on climbing Mt. Everest in a bikini and had more luck.

I wasn't stupid at all, really, although I'm still working on forgiving both myself and the others involved for all I went through. I saw the warning signs way in advance in some cases, and I just soldiered on, all too eager to convince myself that the good outweighed the bad. It didn't.
And yes, hell, yes, did I contribute to the situations. I'm not so foolish to believe it was all them and not me. That's why I hastened back to Ye Olde Psychotherapy Shoppe last May--something had to give. There's so much I had to work on, and so much I'm still working on, but now I understand why, and that makes such a difference.

There was also the hormonal demon rearing its ugly head for the past few years: What I thought was digestive problems was really adrenal fatigue (extreme adrenal fatigue) due to perimenopause, which didn't help my energy, or my moods. Once I finally got a proper diagnosis, I began to understand how I was just compounding the fracture of an EU relationship. I don't know how long ago it had really begun (the adrenal fatigue/perimenopausal crap, that is), maybe as far back as 10 years ago. Perimenopause doesn't always begin right before menopause if the hormones are out of whack. And yes, mine were indeed. I began "getting" it once I went back to an acupuncturist, but it wasn't until a stroke of good luck had me see a book "Hormone Hell, Hormone Well" at the library. I don't know why, but I thought it would be an interesting skim-through one night. It was. The doctor wrote about a patient of his who was just about a 95% match for me and my symptoms. It was then that I began to once again be my own best doctor and order the things I needed to help get me started back to having energy again.

So now, I'm able to get a better grip on things, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There was no magic cure, and I'm not where I want to be in any of the three areas yet, but I'm seeing results in at least one of the areas every day, as are others. I've been working very hard on myself in all three of the areas. It's not been easy, and sometimes has been very painful, but it's gotta be done in order for me to be where I want to be. These emotional wounds run deep, but at least I'm able to recognize that they're there, and I'm not in denial. I work on my emotional history just about every day one way or the other, through reading and journaling and reading some more. I won't ever go through what I've put myself through again. Any man in my life, in whatever capacity he held, did his share, but ultimately, the responsibility to change lies within us, not within anyone else. If someone doesn't want to change, you can either stay or leave. I have to be willing to stay with myself, and understand what happened so it won't happen again.

The EU think that they just can't find "The One." Of course they can't. NO ONE is good enough to be "The One." EUs may even marry, or get themselves a steady boyfriend or girlfriend, but only because that steady is lacking in self-esteem, and is unable to leave because of a fear of aloneness and/or rejection or is unaware of what an EU person really is.

I get it now, I do. I get really sad when I think about all the time, energy and effort I put into the EU just because of my parents. But I'm based in reality.

As far as my physical health goes, I'm able to walk long distances more. Mornings are still worse than evenings when it comes to energy, but I'm on the way back. My reflexologist even commented on Thursday night when I saw her that my adrenals were much better than when I first saw her back in January. We're still working on my endocrine system, but it's getting better.

Why'd I decide to write about this today? Well, when I first began blogging earlier this month, I decided to title my blog "Around it or through it." And I'd been writing around it long enough. It was time to write through it.

And you'll never find me dating Dan Collins, or anyone like him ever again. I hope I'm able to meet someone who is really and truly available, and I want to be the same way if that time ever comes.