Spring weather -- My promise to try less

I have no idea what I'm writing about today. I'm busy trying not to feel guilty about not having posted since last Saturday. And even busier trying not to feel guilty about being indoors on a computer when the weather outside is so phenomenal.

This was a rough week, all around. Monday's events just ripped the heart out of me; I can barely even read the news, and even then, only the barest of the facts.

The weather stunk, too. It's been colder than normal here, with rain and clouds and just an unspring-like feel. I wore gloves on Wednesday, as did others, and some were wearing hats.

And then, yesterday, glorious spring. Beautiful spring. And more today, and more tomorrow, and more Monday.

I find the onset of spring to be both incredibly comforting and incredibly discomforting. I need to paraphrase Shakespeare here: Now is the spring of my discontent. So much possibility in the spring, and so much I still need to do. I keep thinking of all I haven't accomplished with my life, instead of being proud of the changes that I've made, especially since last May.

I am grateful for what I have, and who I have in my life. People come through for me sometimes when I least expect it--a word of kindness or something unexpected. I used to say that I was still looking for my soulmate to appear, but I hope I've gotten wiser by realizing that you can't look--you can only find. I'm trying to enjoy each day, even on days like today when I'm sleep-deprived and emotional. I had fun plans for today, and they're going to be put off until tomorrow, when I'll be juggling house chores and sunshine outings the same day.

This spring, I need to try less, in some cases, and just be. Goals are swell, but I put such pressure on myself trying to meet them that I wind up feeling worse by setting them than if I just did what felt good. I'm so driven by my own standards of what I need to do or should be that I'm not letting myself enjoy my life as I should, and can.

I found a book by Wayne Dyer by accident on the shelf in the library when I was looking for something by Joseph Campbell and he talks about one way of shedding your ego is to not have goals. He says you'll feel better that way. Sounds good to me. I need to keep reading the book, but it's a radical concept in our society. We've got to do more, aim higher, and never be satisfied in this society of ours. And it works. People are so unhappy. So many people are taking so many prescriptions for anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, stomach problems, and the rest of it because they're letting society rule their life, instead of being their own rulers. And it doesn't work. Somehow, someway, we've let others decide who/what/when/why/why/how we should be living our lives, and it doesn't work. It's about time we all began listening to that inner voice of ours. I know that whenever I don't pay attention to mine that I wind up very sorry I didn't.

And sometimes it's not even trusting my instincts that helps me get in my own way. It can be just setting impossibly high standards or goals, or sometimes just setting goals. I've made a pledge to aim for things that I want, but only a couple of things at a time. I'm working more on trying to let the Universe lead me along, and throw a couple clues in my way about what I should do, where I should go, and how I should live. I'm not in the least religious, but I'm trying to just get out of my own head more and abdicate this feeling of always having to aim so high. I need to please myself, and I can do that by letting past expectations be just that--past expectations.

So, spring is here. I'm going to let that feeling of discontent come, as it usually does, but just observe it and realize that I'm not obligated to do anything about it. And maybe it'll go away on its own.