It's been a long time coming

Damn. Haven't blogged in over a month. Kept meaning to, but either too tired, too busy, too cranky, or too "I'll do it later."

I cursed out my therapist louder and harder than I've let it rip on anybody for a long time. Good for me.

She's been running late for months now, and I've been calling it to her attention since February. I go out of my way to make sure that I am there when our appointment is supposed to start, but goddamned if she didn't always have a reason to show up late.

I asked her to call if she knew she was running behind, but when she'd say that she was going to be there at 5 after, she would show up maybe 10 after, maybe later. And then, when she got to her office (I was always her first appointment for the evening), she'd have to make coffee, which meant going to the ladies' room for water, and that took an extra five minutes or so before she was settled and really ready to listen.

I'd mentioned it again and again, and she knew why it was so important to me, but still, she continued to be late. Last week our appointment was on a Tuesday, and I bypassed pumping gas at the "discounted gas on Tuesday" station so that I could be there on time. She, of course, wasn't. So, after our session, I had to make a special trip back up the road and there went another 25 minutes going, pumping, and coming back.

So, yesterday, the dam burst. She called me before our appointment to tell me that she'd be there "about 5 after." When she walked through the gates to the yard, it was already 11 after. We didn't even get started until almost 20 after, and I let it rip. I flat-out yelled at her, and the yelling only got louder when she tried to tell me, after I told her the story about my foregoing the gas station the week before to be there on time, that "gas stations are open all day."

The amount of outright yelling, and cursing I did at her felt great. Eventually, she was able to let go of her defensiveness and start to realize that yes, she did need to show the fuck up on time. She has another job, and she will sometimes come straight to her office from her part-time job, but it's when she goes home between the jobs that she's late, which is why I told her that it didn't matter where she was or what she was doing--she was always late.

When I first began working with her in May of last year, she told me that she liked to get to her office "15 minutes before my first session, so that I can make coffee and get things ready." And as time passed, she was showing up 15 minutes after her first session was supposed to start, and making coffee, as well as multitudinous excuses. "I can't believe traffic on the beltway was so backed up. Why do people always have to rubberneck?" Fuck if I know, show the fuck up on time.

Her feelings got well hurt. I don't give a fuck. Serves her right. I kept telling her nicely, and she kept not getting it. She gets it now.

She was in a car accident a couple of weeks ago. She called me just as I was pulling in the parking lot of her office to tell me she'd just gotten into an accident. She was OK--a bit banged up, and more upset than anything. Once she told me she was OK, my first thought was, "If you'd left your house on time, you wouldn't have gotten into this accident." And I told her that yesterday after I'd finished yelling.

Actually, what she plans on doing is seeing me after someone else on a certain day, so that I don't get to be the recipient of her lateness. Someone else does!!! More's the pity. So, she's not going to try to change her behavior; she is just going to do it to someone else who is either less assertive or doesn't care about her promptness as much as I. I'd like to see how long they put up with it.

I flat-out yelled for at least ten minutes. It felt great. I wondered as I was yelling if I'd feel guilty afterward. I didn't. I went out last night and bought myself a bouquet of roses, I was so proud of myself.

I didn't get to talk about any of the things that I'd planned on talking about with her yesterday because I was so busy trying to make her understand why I'd had enough. And I told her how resentful I was about that. We're supposed to see each other on Friday of this week, and I am still debating about going. It's hard to trust someone you think isn't taking you seriously enough to show the fuck up on time, even though she's a wonderful person in many other ways.

I'm a wonderful person in many ways myself. And I'm sure if I was the one who was always so late, full of excuses and false ETAs, she'd be pissed, too. And I told her that.

What she said, and I believe, is that what happened with her was just a microcosm of what's happened between me and other people. I have gotten really livid over someone's rudeness, got tired of their not taking me seriously, and then become Mt. Everest and sent the hot lava flying. So at least she took it well enough when I finally stopped yelling and sat the hell down. She said she'd never been called a bitch to her face before, and it hurt. I meant it to hurt. All of the time that she's wasted of mine, and telling her nicely via both email and in-person didn't do it. She heard me loud and clear only when I got loud and clear. I'd been perfectly clear time and time before.

So now, my issue is getting to be trusting of her again to the point where I want to open up and share what's going on with me, and how I feel about everything. As I told her, it's not a casual relationship that anyone has with their therapist, because you're in there baring your soul. She knows more about me than some people have ever known or possibly will ever know in their entire lives. And it's important for her to not fuck up my trust. It's not easily given, and I'm pissed about having to take some of it back because she's being rude and inconsiderate.

I told her yesterday, towards the end of our session, that it was like she was just observing what I kept telling her about being on time, smiling condescendingly at me and then filing my complaint in a drawer, never to be thought of or seen again. And I was tired of it.

I am truly exhausted today. But I'm also truly proud of myself. She had it coming to her. Just as I had those roses coming to me. Would I have done it differently today? No, I would not have. And that's good enough to be proud of myself over. I had every right to be heard, and if sometimes being heard properly takes yelling, than so be it. I take full responsibility for what I said and yelled. It's high time she began being responsible enough to earn my trust. I wonder if I'll ever be able to open up to her as I once was.

And I wonder if she'll secretly resent me for the way I yelled at her yesterday. But, for the first time in my life, I don't give a shit. Her feelings aren't my responsibility. Had she done her job correctly and shown up on time, this never would have happened. She's told me before it's been a lifelong issue with her, so I know it's not just a problem I'm having with her. Who knows? Maybe she'll thank me as time goes on, as I'm sure that she's going to be a lot more cognisant of the time, whether I'm her first client of the evening or not.

I'm still fuming, but those roses do look pretty damned good on my kitchen table. Good for me.